Man it's miserable weather out today. Raining and mist and strong winds. I'm glad I don't have to go anywhere. I'm trying to read my law articles but even that isn't going so fast. It might later when there's a little more pressure behind it to finally finish them.
I miss my siblings...I need some excitement around me, even if it is little kids arguing. I'm so used to that, and I love children enough to actually miss it. Hold and care for a baby. Sure there are moments when you'd be tired and sick of it and just need a break, but the joy that children bring you makes up for all of that.
So i at least made some folders and started typing up some of my songs. I also wrote a new melody with the piano. I hope it'll turn into something. I'm wondering if I should invest in a midi keyboard...they're expensive, but by the sounds of it, it'd be really nice to have one if I want to really start composing some new beats and stuff. I do want to move out first though...waiting for some things just takes so long. In the long run time goes by unbelievably fast, but in the moment time sometimes just seems to drag on and on...
the ever impatient one,
~musicangel
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A New Beginning...
So it's been ages since I last wrote. I'm sorry...i've always had issues with consistency.
So here I am, periode 3 of my first year as a bachelor student. The first few months were rough, and there were many times I wanted to give up and go home because of the homesickness. Going from being the oldest of 8 to an "only child" living with grandma is definitely not easy. However, I made it! I went home at christmas and I found myself wanting to go back to my new life I've made for myself here in Holland. So, even though there were many tears (as I was emotionally unbalanced during christmas) when I arrived back here in Holland, I was happy. I felt a little more at home again. Things have changed so much in the past 8 months. My school grades have dropped because of lack of effort, I finally have a great boyfriend (although being the really mature me, I find myself wanting to hurry the relationship even though I shouldn't...I just love him SO much and I really believe that he is the one I am meant to be with.) Even though i'm happy with how my life is, I still yearn for the one thing it's apparently still not the time for me to have: someone to share my life with. I mean yes I have someone, except I want someone I can live with and share my life with closely. I have found the person I want to do that with, unfortunately it's not the time for that yet. I'm so impatient. My whole I haven't been able to wait to grow up. I've always just wanted to be that year older so i could be closer to my dreams and living life to it's fullest.
Sometimes I feel like I live in a storybook and I can wake up from this and end up in a whole new world with a whole new me. There are so different me's I want to be, I just never do anything about it and so I'm always left wondering what if and why not? Why does it never work? I doubt myself so much...especially when it always came to relationships. I never knew the right path to choose and usually ended up choosing the wrong one for me because i was chasing a dream. I have finally found the right one. No doubts left in my mind. I'm so unbelievably happy that this part of my life is finally starting to happen, albeit slower than I would like. I always said I would marry at the age of 18. I don't think that's quite going to happen with the relationship I have, although 20 would be nice. Studying or not, it would work.
I have some great friends now and have met some really amazing people who have inspired me. The only key now is though...can I do it. Can I actually for once make my dreams a reality?? Can I push myself. I always say" If there was just one other person with me who would push me or maybe help me I would do it, but on my own I just can't." I still think this is true, but I think that I also need to start taking responsibility for my own dreams. I've always been so good at giving people good advice for their lives but I can never seem to use my own advice. Why is that? I guess that's kind of the way it works though.
I think I need to move out. I need to be more around people, but then again, I've never really known what's best for me. I live in a world of dreams and fantasies and sometimes just can't tell the difference. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking in a dream, like I'm not really there. My mind is so full of thoughts and conclusions that sometimes its just so overwhelming. I've taken to writing them down but even then I can't possibly get all of them down on paper and my mind is never empty. It will always come up with new stuff.
Well...as you can see, I get sidetracked quite easily when I'm writing about my thoughts. It just helps to get it out there.
I think one of the reasons I always fall for/or get along really well with so-called "nerds" is because I envy them. They're passionate about something and they actually go after it. No matter what people think. It's what they love and it's what they do. I wish I could be like that. I always try to be someone different or just waste my time with pointless things trying to find something I feel is lacking in my life, searching, never finding, sometimes regreting wasting so much of this precious life given to me by God. I have so many passions, but there isn't a single one I spend my utmost attention to to try and develop it better. I only dream but I don't do anything about it. I think it's time I changed that. Why does that have to be so difficult??....
lost in contemplation,
~musicgurl
So here I am, periode 3 of my first year as a bachelor student. The first few months were rough, and there were many times I wanted to give up and go home because of the homesickness. Going from being the oldest of 8 to an "only child" living with grandma is definitely not easy. However, I made it! I went home at christmas and I found myself wanting to go back to my new life I've made for myself here in Holland. So, even though there were many tears (as I was emotionally unbalanced during christmas) when I arrived back here in Holland, I was happy. I felt a little more at home again. Things have changed so much in the past 8 months. My school grades have dropped because of lack of effort, I finally have a great boyfriend (although being the really mature me, I find myself wanting to hurry the relationship even though I shouldn't...I just love him SO much and I really believe that he is the one I am meant to be with.) Even though i'm happy with how my life is, I still yearn for the one thing it's apparently still not the time for me to have: someone to share my life with. I mean yes I have someone, except I want someone I can live with and share my life with closely. I have found the person I want to do that with, unfortunately it's not the time for that yet. I'm so impatient. My whole I haven't been able to wait to grow up. I've always just wanted to be that year older so i could be closer to my dreams and living life to it's fullest.
Sometimes I feel like I live in a storybook and I can wake up from this and end up in a whole new world with a whole new me. There are so different me's I want to be, I just never do anything about it and so I'm always left wondering what if and why not? Why does it never work? I doubt myself so much...especially when it always came to relationships. I never knew the right path to choose and usually ended up choosing the wrong one for me because i was chasing a dream. I have finally found the right one. No doubts left in my mind. I'm so unbelievably happy that this part of my life is finally starting to happen, albeit slower than I would like. I always said I would marry at the age of 18. I don't think that's quite going to happen with the relationship I have, although 20 would be nice. Studying or not, it would work.
I have some great friends now and have met some really amazing people who have inspired me. The only key now is though...can I do it. Can I actually for once make my dreams a reality?? Can I push myself. I always say" If there was just one other person with me who would push me or maybe help me I would do it, but on my own I just can't." I still think this is true, but I think that I also need to start taking responsibility for my own dreams. I've always been so good at giving people good advice for their lives but I can never seem to use my own advice. Why is that? I guess that's kind of the way it works though.
I think I need to move out. I need to be more around people, but then again, I've never really known what's best for me. I live in a world of dreams and fantasies and sometimes just can't tell the difference. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking in a dream, like I'm not really there. My mind is so full of thoughts and conclusions that sometimes its just so overwhelming. I've taken to writing them down but even then I can't possibly get all of them down on paper and my mind is never empty. It will always come up with new stuff.
Well...as you can see, I get sidetracked quite easily when I'm writing about my thoughts. It just helps to get it out there.
I think one of the reasons I always fall for/or get along really well with so-called "nerds" is because I envy them. They're passionate about something and they actually go after it. No matter what people think. It's what they love and it's what they do. I wish I could be like that. I always try to be someone different or just waste my time with pointless things trying to find something I feel is lacking in my life, searching, never finding, sometimes regreting wasting so much of this precious life given to me by God. I have so many passions, but there isn't a single one I spend my utmost attention to to try and develop it better. I only dream but I don't do anything about it. I think it's time I changed that. Why does that have to be so difficult??....
lost in contemplation,
~musicgurl
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