A New Beginning...

So it's been ages since I last wrote. I'm sorry...i've always had issues with consistency.
So here I am, periode 3 of my first year as a bachelor student. The first few months were rough, and there were many times I wanted to give up and go home because of the homesickness. Going from being the oldest of 8 to an "only child" living with grandma is definitely not easy. However, I made it! I went home at christmas and I found myself wanting to go back to my new life I've made for myself here in Holland. So, even though there were many tears (as I was emotionally unbalanced during christmas) when I arrived back here in Holland, I was happy. I felt a little more at home again. Things have changed so much in the past 8 months. My school grades have dropped because of lack of effort, I finally have a great boyfriend (although being the really mature me, I find myself wanting to hurry the relationship even though I shouldn't...I just love him SO much and I really believe that he is the one I am meant to be with.) Even though i'm happy with how my life is, I still yearn for the one thing it's apparently still not the time for me to have: someone to share my life with. I mean yes I have someone, except I want someone I can live with and share my life with closely. I have found the person I want to do that with, unfortunately it's not the time for that yet. I'm so impatient. My whole I haven't been able to wait to grow up. I've always just wanted to be that year older so i could be closer to my dreams and living life to it's fullest.
Sometimes I feel like I live in a storybook and I can wake up from this and end up in a whole new world with a whole new me. There are so different me's I want to be, I just never do anything about it and so I'm always left wondering what if and why not? Why does it never work? I doubt myself so much...especially when it always came to relationships. I never knew the right path to choose and usually ended up choosing the wrong one for me because i was chasing a dream. I have finally found the right one. No doubts left in my mind. I'm so unbelievably happy that this part of my life is finally starting to happen, albeit slower than I would like. I always said I would marry at the age of 18. I don't think that's quite going to happen with the relationship I have, although 20 would be nice. Studying or not, it would work.
I have some great friends now and have met some really amazing people who have inspired me. The only key now is though...can I do it. Can I actually for once make my dreams a reality?? Can I push myself. I always say" If there was just one other person with me who would push me or maybe help me I would do it, but on my own I just can't." I still think this is true, but I think that I also need to start taking responsibility for my own dreams. I've always been so good at giving people good advice for their lives but I can never seem to use my own advice. Why is that? I guess that's kind of the way it works though.
I think I need to move out. I need to be more around people, but then again, I've never really known what's best for me. I live in a world of dreams and fantasies and sometimes just can't tell the difference. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking in a dream, like I'm not really there. My mind is so full of thoughts and conclusions that sometimes its just so overwhelming. I've taken to writing them down but even then I can't possibly get all of them down on paper and my mind is never empty. It will always come up with new stuff.
Well...as you can see, I get sidetracked quite easily when I'm writing about my thoughts. It just helps to get it out there.
I think one of the reasons I always fall for/or get along really well with so-called "nerds" is because I envy them. They're passionate about something and they actually go after it. No matter what people think. It's what they love and it's what they do. I wish I could be like that. I always try to be someone different or just waste my time with pointless things trying to find something I feel is lacking in my life, searching, never finding, sometimes regreting wasting so much of this precious life given to me by God. I have so many passions, but there isn't a single one I spend my utmost attention to to try and develop it better. I only dream but I don't do anything about it. I think it's time I changed that. Why does that have to be so difficult??....

lost in contemplation,
~musicgurl